Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
