He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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