Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
