Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
