last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
