Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
