Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
