at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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