so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
