I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
