Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
