just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
