You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
