No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize