dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
