My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
