Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
