So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
