y did u give ur computer a hand job?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
