i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
