Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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