I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
