the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
