please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
