if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's Friday. Sex?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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