You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
