wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
