Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
