i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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