My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
