I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
