do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
