All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
