I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
