Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
