That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
