I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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