On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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