I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
