Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
