I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
