Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
