dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
