Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
