You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
