Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
