Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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