Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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