So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
