i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
