I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
