I faked an abortion last night.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
